I try not to whine about my personal shit – unless I can use it as fodder for a post.
I’ve been sick as the proverbial dog since the end of February. Not with the ‘rona, or any other virus that’s currently stalking the land. No. I have been sick as a dog because of an antibiotic that messed me up hard.
For years, I had been plagued by a major distortion issue in my right ear. It was atrocious, sounded like metallic nightmare beasts snacking on piles of car keys, when what it was supposed to sound like was a violin, or someone laughing, or nearly anything of a certain volume that hit my eardrum. Singing was particularly bad – even my own singing would do it to me. I had to wear earplugs when I was anyplace approaching that volume limit. It affected me musically, socially, and as a sound therapist.
So it had to stop.
Long story, blah blah blah, ENT, blah blah blah, CT scan, blah blah blah – chronic sinus infection in your tubes probably causing your distortion issues, take this antibiotic and you should be fine.
So I started taking the antibiotic, and my entire immune system went haywire. Called the doc, they changed my meds and put me on steroids. Ugh, but okay. The steroids stopped the reaction, but the second antibiotic he prescribed did exactly the same thing the first one did after I stopped taking the steroids, only worse because rebound. And once I’d stopped taking all meds, it just kept getting worse and worse.
My Michael is a brilliant guy, so he did a bunch of research and discovered that antihistamine storming with antibiotics is a real problem, and lots of people have it – and fortunately, a doctor and researcher had figured out the solution and put it on a website so people would have someplace to turn when the snot hit their fan. Take these enzymes and these probiotics, and avoid all high-histamine foods for 3 weeks.
I’m heading toward the end of week 1, and I’m already sooooo much better. Not 100% but sooooo much better. I told Michael I was at maybe 83% yesterday, but I think I was being generous. I think I’m maybe at 73%. Today has been a little rough. There may be ups and downs. But I can’t even explain the gratitude I feel right now.
But I haven’t been able to see clients for weeks, and it’s making me feel all … guilty.
I hate not being able to contribute to my household income, or even pull my own weight. I’m luckier than I can even describe in having a partner who says just having me around makes his life exponentially better and don’t worry about it, but … I can’t help it, it’s how I was raised. My mother worked herself half to death to “earn her keep.” And she totally did not have to. My dad could not have cared less about that whole issue – he adored my mom, and she adored him, and there was no way he was ever going to let that go. But I had that role model, and that mindset, and yes, part of me is … not exactly worried, but it feels creepy and icky.
I have a mission and a vision, and I want to be engaged in doing what I love and living my bestest life already! And sound healing therapy is something so powerfully helpful for people that I feel terrible that I’m not in my studio soothing jagged nervous systems, easing pain, and helping people leave their shit behind and move into a better space.
But I know that I have to flow with what is, and for the last 6 weeks, that has meant staying home trying to take care of myself, and taking lots of naps because the fatigue is effing real with this shit. So I have used the time to enroll in a shamanic drumming class that I have wanted to take for a long long time, so that I can at least be learning something new to bring to the massage table! It’s fantastic so far, and I can’t wait to start using these techniques to help my clients deepen their experience and their healing.
That more than anything is helping me be okay with not being okay. Dysfunction is no fun, in fact they should rename it – but … this experience, and the other random and ridiculous health challenges that have invaded my life since about 2021, is a teacher. It’s teaching me to trust that the Universe really does have my back, even though it has a funny way of showing it sometimes. And that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. And that I can adapt and adjust to new restrictions and realities with (only slightly whiny) grace. (When Michael told me about the new dietary restrictions I was gonna have to follow I said, “What the fuck am I supposed to do? Fast?” And then I sat with it and figured out how to make it work. Hint – LOTS of aloo gobi.)
And I guess a big takeaway here is, when suffering, find one thing that makes not being okay, okay. Find one thing that you can look forward to, or celebrate – or, if you’re anything like me, find something you can throw yourself into with both feet up to the eyeballs. It may not solve all your problems, but it can make you forget about them for a while, and that is more than okay.