Procrastination is a great big sign.
Maybe not from Goddess, or from God (certainly not that one god), but it’s a great big sign nonetheless.
I have been stuck in a great big procrastination cycle since about … oh, let’s call it March of 2020. Everything stopped. And never quite got started up again. It feels like my feet are in concrete blocks and I’m on a treadmill to nowhere.
Oh, I’ve been doing stuff, don’t get me wrong. I’m not just sitting in the comfy chair reading trashy romance novels. No. I’m sitting in the comfy chair reading books about shamanism, the Byzantine empire, consciousness, sound healing, physics, creativity, animism, magic, sex research, angel theory, archaeology, paleontology, Neanderthals, Neolithic life in Britain, pirates and the real Libertalia, and a fascinating book called The Dawn of Everything which was truth in advertising.
Among so many other things. My library has become a Library. Alexandria got nothin’ much on me. My office library has spilled out into the living room, I’ve had to move all my sound healing books over to SoundWorks, and my To Be Read pile is somewhere between scary and impressive. Also, I never read one book at a time, I always have at least five or six going. And right now, that’s the tip of a very deep iceberg.
This doesn’t trouble me as much right now as it did a while ago. Learning is never the wrong thing to do, even if it’s keeping you from tackling other stuff. I mean, really. What’s more important than improving your mind, creating new perspectives, opening to new realities, making new connections. I could go on, but you get it. No, I’m sincerely not trying to excuse myself or justify inaction. Learning is good.
What I’m going to do with all this learning, well now … that’s the $64,000 question.
It’s making me a better healer, a better writer, a better partner, a better friend, and a better mentor, already. And it will continue to do so. But … gosh. Here I am, still on this treadmill in my concrete shoes, wondering wtf I’m supposed to be doing. I know my mission, I know why I’m here, I have a strong sense of purpose, but there’s absolutely no forward momentum going on.
Back in February and early March of 2020, my business was booming. I was seeing three or four clients a day, things were great. Covid hit and we did the responsible thing and shut down until it felt safe, and in the mean time we moved to a new place which has been absolutely lovely. But business has become a trickle, and no matter how many emails I send or promotions I offer, the traction is not happening.
Okay, that’s okay. I’m not mad. I’m not whining, I’m mostly curious.
But clearly, something isn’t working. And maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s that people are stuck buying houses they can’t afford so they have no income left to take care of themselves. Maybe gas and groceries got so expensive due to corporate greed that folks had to choose between eating and wellness. And in the process, like the frogs in the slowly warming pan of water, they just didn’t notice the discomfort creeping back in.
It’s okay. I’m unworried. I am more convinced than ever that I need to be serving my community, so it’s gonna happen. Sound healing and music are absolutely going to be part of it. Not sure what else, but something more is coming. I’m working through some ideas, some pain, some new information, sifting and sorting and assimilating, and trusting that all will be made clear in due time. Life moves in cycles, from inhale-exhale to orbits. The spiral moves, and it moves us. We are dynamic even when we’re static. I trust that I am exactly where I need to be, and so are you. Love and peace.
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