I’m a wildly spiritual seeker who eschews all organized religions.
I tried on a few of the mainstream Christian religions when I was younger, and found them all problematic in their own ways. If a sect was logical, rational, sensible, based in reality, focused on kindness and being charitable and living in the most Christ-like way that is reasonably possible in our modern world, their faith was lukewarm milquetoast, and dull dull dull. If a sect had fire and passion and people were Moved by the Holy (one and only) Spirit, their social conscience was often the polar opposite of the gentle people I described above. Nowhere did I find the intellectual rigor, the gentleness of spirit, and the passionate, experiential fire I craved.
It’s a tough combo to find. I think if I had been fortunate enough to stumble into a Black church I might have found it, but my search took me so far out of the Christian mindset that I just can’t, forgive me, take 97% of Christianity seriously. I have a handful of wonderful Christian friends that I adore, but I can’t for one second understand the story they have internalized.
I aligned with Neo-Paganism, which is also problematic, but at least I can go my own way and do my own thing, and nobody is going to tell me I’m doin’ it wrong. And there is fire to be had a’plenty for those who seek it.
And the older I get, the more I have a desire to be ignited from within by … something. I don’t want to listen to a lecture about God, or read a book about the Goddess, or study a koan that will unfold gradually and show me the nothingness that is. Don’t get me wrong, I meditate on the daily (mostly) and value Eastern philosophy and love me a handful of the modern Christian thinkers and philosophers, but though it’s lovely reading, it’s not … it.
I want to be as close as breathing to … ??? Source? God/dess? Spirit? Wossname?
I want to be a vessel for the passion of Earth-Mother and Sky-Father, to provide a chamber for them to unite and create. I want to hurl myself into the abyss of not-knowing and relish the fall. I want to be lit up with feral grace. I don’t want to just know God, I want to be steeped in God, by whatever name you prefer to call It.
Give me the shakes and the sweats and the speaking in tongues, whatever, God, I’m down for it. Make me shout and dance and whirl like a dervish, I’m ready. Give me gnosis of an ecstatic nature. Or Gnosis of Ecstatic Nature, actually, that sounds like a me thing. I don’t need to understand a damn thing, I just want to feel it.
Maybe it’s because we’ve been isolated and community-deprived for so long. Maybe it’s because I’m not feeling fully embodied in my own life and mission, even though in theory we are “recovering” (yeah, right) now. Maybe … I’m just moving past the part of my life where I desired to stay small and not draw attention to myself. I don’t honestly know. What I do know is, I’m craving a deeper, hotter, messier, wilder union with The Big Wahoo, in true Hit Me With Your Best Shot fashion. Dangerous? Sure. Bring it. The Divine will shake me up, but real love can’t break me. That is the least of my worries.
So, what are your plans for the new year?