This Samhain season has brought some , uh, growth opportunities for me.
Oh boy. There are things that for most of my life I have been sort of programmed to think I need to do, and those things, which I thought defined me, don’t fit anymore. But because I have this programming, I didn’t even consider saying, nope, done with that now. Until this Samhain season, when all of it came rampaging to the surface and I was sent such a clear message that I couldn’t ignore it – even though I tried, and it took the intervention of the Crowley to my Aziraphale to give me the permission to just . . . stop.
This is something that is going to disappoint some folks. Or not. I have actually moved on so much in who I am that it really doesn’t have a single impact on me, except to lift something heavy off my shoulders. And that’s where I’m at. Something heavy got lifted off my shoulders, and it feels great.
Saying no to something doesn’t mean it has to be forever. I will see how I feel in a year or two, and if an opportunity comes up and I get excited and think, Oh, how I have missed this! Of course I’ll do it! then so be it, I’ll do it. If not, screw it. I’m done with it. I have found two missions* that are filling my heart like nothing else ever has, and I am ready to let go of this thing that just drains it.
Now, I don’t want to be accused of vaguebooking here, and I’m sorry if I seem cryptic. But the point is not me, the point is, offering permission to let go of things that seem ridiculously important in order to more fully allow you to thrive. We all have these obligations, these pieces of programming that tell us, Oh, you like this thing, therefore you must continue to do this thing even if you don’t want to anymore, because obligations. The thing may have, like it did for me for so long, defined who you thought you were in the world.
Well, it doesn’t. Trust me on this.
Saying no is healthy and essential. Saying, that no longer fits me is hard, because life-defining stuff shouldn’t just be taken to Goodwill like a sweater you decided you don’t really like after all. We’re all comfortable with at least the idea of letting go what no longer serves us, but what about what no longer fits? Maybe it does still serve us a bit. Maybe it’s even good for us, or lucrative, or important. If it’s important work, trust me, somebody else will pick up where you left off. Lucrative? Honestly, what is more valuable than your well-being? If it feels wrong and heavy, shift it or ditch it. The pain you feel is the fear of an unknown door trying to open; if you don’t get your shit out of the way, that door is gonna strain to the breaking point, and then, oof. Look out.
Sometimes a door opens to something so much better than what you had been doing before, that you can’t believe your good fortune. Sometimes a door opens to pure freedom. No new gig, no new idea. No new anything, just less everything else. Freedom to rest, restore and choose how you want to spend your time. Sometimes the door opens to a whole new life; maybe that partner you had been dreaming of can’t find a way into your life because it’s cluttered up with too much stuff that no longer fits you. Or maybe because you are still doing stuff that no longer fits you, you can’t attract somebody new.
Bottom line, takeaway from all this:
Life is too damn short to just go through the motions.
Maybe you are one of the lucky few and you’re blissfully living your dream and expanding your vision and going for your best life with all your heart and being fed gluten-free vegan fairy cake by the Universe, and if so, thank you for doing what you do and showing up as a beacon in this world, because damn we need more people like you! Bless you! If not, maybe you need to take a lesson from Alanon and do a fearless personal inventory with no judgment, so you can at least decide what you don’t want anymore. You have to make abundant room for the things you do want, because not only can you not realistically have it all, you probably don’t want it all anyway. Because life is short and precious. Live with all your heart.
Thank you for your thoughts, Gayla. It struck a chord with me. It is a continually practice for me—to pay attention to those things in my day that do not serve. Samsara is a Buddhist(Pali version) term for the cycle of suffering. One doesn’t have to be a Buddhist to understand this and language is very interesting but samsara is simply a human condition. We crave, we desire, we want things to be different– to please us. There’s nothing wrong with pleasure but, for me, in today’s cultural climate it’s easy to get lost in the world of wanting and it ultimately doesn’t serve me. So, I’m continually learning to notice what is it is I’m spending my time with and directing my time away from those things that don’t ultimately serve me or those around me. This is a quote from one of my teachers.
“We chase after the illusory happiness of sense pleasures, but unless we start paying attention to the drawbacks, we’re just living in the forward momentum of craving without ever coming to a place of completion, of contentment, of real peace.”
—Joseph Goldstein, “Peeling Away the Promise of Desire”
Oh, beautiful words! Yes, that’s exactly it. To allow yourself to lighten, to be free to serve, that is where the real power is. Thank you for sharing the quote! It’s quite perfect!
I’m excited to see where this takes you!
Yeah, me too! I had more confirmation recently that I made the right decision. Feeling really free and light!