Are You Gonna Be Worthy?

There’s a story from the Arthurian cycle that involves a “riddle.”

I put riddle in quotes because it really isn’t a big mystery at all. It’s common effing sense, but for thousands of years no white male writers could figure it out.

Here’s the question: What do women really want?

Well, gosh. This is sooooooo hard! What do you guys want? Security? Health care? A reasonable assurance that your kids will grow up healthy? Meaningful work? The right to control your own body?

Bingo!

So this story from the Arthurian saga is really quite revolutionary for its time. I’ll try to make it brief.

Three brothers are out questing, as you do, and get lost, because of course they did, and it’s super hot out, which maybe it is on three days of a year in Britain, and they are thirsty and none of them had thought to bring any water, because of course they didn’t. They’re knights, they’re not paid to think.

So they come upon a well in a clearing, cuz every clearing gotta have a well, and the oldest bro approaches to get some water. Poof! A hideous hag appears and says, “If you want a drink of water, you have to make love to me.” And the bro looks at her in absolute disgust and says, “Not that thirsty, thanks.” He goes back to his brothers and says, “Dudes, you will not believe this,” and relates his tale of woe.

So the middle bro goes to the well, thinking to himself, it really can’t be that bad. Once again, the hag appears and once again, the bro can’t stomach the prospect and turns tail.

So they sit in the sun, scheming how to sneak up, how to maybe kill her, whatever, until the youngest bro gets up in disgust and says, “You two are the biggest losers I have ever had the misfortune to know, but you’re my brothers and I don’t actually want you to die, so I will go get some effing water,” and stalks off muttering about useless relatives being the death of people, as you do.

And once again the hag appears, and the youngest bro says, “Right, I’m in, let’s go.” So she leads him into her hovel (because all the best hags have hovels, it’s kind of in the job description), and he turns his back on her in order to get nekked.

But suddenly he hears the unmistakable rustling of silk hitting the floor (it’s sooooo unmistakable). He turns around, and sees that the hag has turned into a gorgeous (and naked) woman, shining hair, satin skin, shapely form, yadda yadda yadda. And he says, “Hi! Um, I’m supposed to be … um … how you doin’?” And she laughs and says, because he was willing to go through with the deed he has broken her enchantment. She’s really a princess, and whoever agrees to make love to the hag wins her hand in marriage and huge tracts of land, along with heaping piles of money, a castle, servants, an army, forest to get lost in … All the trimmings a knight could possibly want.

So they make love, enthusiastically.

And after she says, “Now, you must make a choice. I can be hag during the day and hotness at night, or I can be hotness during the day and hag at night. Which do you prefer?” And he thinks, well crap, there’s always a frickin’ catch, ain’t there? I mean. Ugh. What a choice!

So he tries to keep the sheer bloody disappointment out of his voice and answers, “You know what, it’s your body, I suppose you should decide.”

And she says, “Then I’ll be hotness all the time, because you just broke the second enchantment.”

And the moral of the story is, women just want to have bodily autonomy and the right to make decisions for themselves, and sometimes men bumble upon the right answer, and we have to give them biscuits or some shit. But I’m not bitter.

So yeah, I wrote this song. Enjoy!

If you play your cards right
She might find it in her heart to choose you
If you get your heart right
It won’t matter what cards you play
If you do right by her
She’s gonna do the very best that she can
You might think she’s a hard one
Trust her and find she’s gentle as a lamb

	Chorus
	Hidden in plain sight, clear light of day
	It’s no secret, but nobody cares anyway
	Are you gonna be worthy?
	Are you gonna be worthy?

You never know who she’s gonna be
That old lady on the corner, shopping cart full of bags
She’s talkin’ to the lamp post
Hair lank and dirty, dressed all in rags
Or the girl at the checkout
Or the waitress you neglected to tip
Or the hard workin’ woman with the briefcase
Lookin’ like she’s had enough of your bullshit
Chorus

Bridge
We’re all guilty of passing her by
And pretending she’s not there
We don’t give a shit about her pain
Or the struggle she bears
But remember how it goes
When the third knight goes to drink
He lays his heart down and trusts her
And he gets everything

Don’t take anything for granted
If you want this gig you have to get through her
And don’t you dare underestimate
The insight, the wisdom, the full flower
Of any woman before you now
Treat her as if she’s the very one
Who’s blessing empowers
With reverence and kindness you can do no wrong
Chorus