I am so thankful that I get to decide how I’m going to observe the holidays.
So many people are at the mercy of family. “You have to come, it’s Thanksgiving/Christmas/birthday/whatever! How can you even think of not showing up for this?” Or litany of your choice, really. We are cajoled, bullied, guilt-tripped, emotionally blackmailed, and sometimes bribed to show up to these things that, honestly, only a handful of people actually enjoy.
If you had any sort of childhood trauma, big-T or little-t, you aren’t at all looking forward to spending time with your traumatizers. If you had unmet needs as a child, I’ll bet you don’t even know how you feel about the people who are demanding your time.
I hear a lot of people say, “Family is everything,” but that isn’t true for everyone. Even if you didn’t suffer abuse or neglect, there may be “factions” in your extended family of people you simply cannot stand – or people who behave in ways you can’t condone. Racism, trans- and homophobia, and misogyny cause massive amounts of stress for those of us who don’t feel or live that way. I know a lot of people who quit drinking and can no longer have family time without either being treated like an alien or pressured into falling off a hard-won wagon. So if you have to stay away for your own well-being, don’t even hesitate. Stay home.
Internalize this: You do not owe them one minute of your time, or one second of your peace.
They can demand all they want, and you, as a grown-ass adult, have the right to say, “Not this year, thanks.” Or even, “We’re not doing this anymore.” Unless you are one of the incredibly fortunate few who actually get along with your family, of course (if such a thing even exists).
My parents decided back when we were little, probably before I even came along, that if anybody wanted to see them on the holidays they could bloody well come and visit. Mom wasn’t about to bundle us all up for a too-long car ride to go spend a bunch of time with people who … pushed all the buttons they had installed … yes, let’s just call it that. Dad wasn’t wild about his adoptive parents at all, and had completely lost his 7 siblings when his mother died and they were all disbursed to wherever they went. So I learned early to set this boundary. If relatives want to see me bad enough, they’ll show up. And honestly, I’d rather go visit the 2 of 3 of them I actually like when there’s nothing else going on and nobody else around.
Celebrating on command is not something I’m going to do. You shouldn’t either. If you adore the holidays and love having family around you, go for it, and celebrate to your heart’s content. But for those of us who don’t have that experience, let’s normalize not celebrating out of a sense of guilt or obligation. Instead, let’s normalize Friendsgiving, and surrounding yourself with people you actually vibe with. I have spent the last ten years surrounding myself with people that fill me up, encourage and support me, lend me strength when I need it, love me unconditionally, and believe in me and what I do. Why would I want to be anywhere else?
Solitude, though, you really can’t beat that. Tucked in at home with a good book and so much quiet … ahh! I have had numerous solo holidays and they have been among my favorites. Don’t let anybody crash your solo party – set that boundary hard: “I am intentionally spending the holidays on my own, I just really need some solitude. Thanks for the offer, but I have been planning this for a while and I am really looking forward to it.”
So Happy Sovereign Holidays, whatever they are, to you and those you choose to celebrate with – or not. May you find more joy than you know what to do with.
Do your boundaries need a little fortifying? SoundWorks can help.