“Hello, Introvert Services, this is Liz, how can I help you?”
‘Hi Liz, I am having trouble initializing my Introvert Recharge and Recovery functions.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Let me pull up your account and see what we can do for you. Is this phone number the one you’re registered under?”
“Should be.”
“Alma?”
“Right.”
“Still on West X Avenue in Nonayourbiz, Iowa?”
“No actually, I moved to 9999 No Hackers Place, Fugeddaboudit, IA about ten years ago.”
“Oh, let me get that updated for you. Okay, it looks like you have our premium service. Let’s see. Have you turned the interface off and back on?”
“First thing I did, yep.”
“Okay. Have you deleted your cookies?”
“Gluten intolerant and vegan, not really a cookie eater anymore.”
“Well, there may be some old ones gumming up the system. Looks like your mother made a lot of cookies when you were growing up, it’s worth a shot.”
“Well, she did. Okay. I think I know how to do that.” (moment of silence) “Cookies are deleted.”
“Great, will the system initialize now?”
(moment of silence)
“Uh … no, but I’m getting a new error message, so that’s progress, right?”
“It gives us some more information, for sure. What’s the message?”
“Unable to detect connection or environment.”
“Oh, wow, okay. How long have you been living the Covid lifestyle?”
“Covid lifestyle? What the hell is that?”
‘You know, working from home, avoiding public places, ordering groceries online, freaking out when you see the bottom half on someone’s face?”
“That’s a lifestyle?”
“It is now.”
“Well. I guess since March of 2020, really. I mean, I tried to come out of isolation several times, but I was always driven back in by another variant.”
“Yeah, this is not uncommon. You’re lucky to have the premium service or that would invalidate your warranty.”
“Really?”
“Really. Promlem is, there’s a bug they’ve never been able to get rid of, that usually isn’t a problem until nearer to the end of the … let’s call it product lifetime, which is that the system is programmed to self-destruct if it’s not used in over six months.”
“Oh, no! So I’m really up a creek without a recharge unit!”
“That’s one way of putting it, yes. But, let me see if I can get you an update.”
“There’s an update?”
“Oh yes, we’re on to version 8.5 now. Let me see if you have an upgrade path … hang on.” (moment of silence) “Ah, you have the Live Performer version, which makes you a power user, so yes, we can upgrade you for … $149.”
“Oh, wow, okay. I see. Well, I suppose I’m due. How come I didn’t know about the update?”
“Hmm, I don’t know. Actually, it looks like you were eligible for a free update to the latest package when you turned 50.”
“I didn’t know! How was I supposed to know?”
“Details were in your AARP Welcome Packet. Did you not see the flyer?”
“Well … no, I just recycle all of that stuff.”
“Oh, well, it was in there.”
“So what happens now?”
“Let me see if I can still get you the free update, since you didn’t get the notification.”
“Thanks very much!”
“Yes, I can still do that. If you’ll just give me your PIN I can send the upgrade link to your email.”
“PIN? What PIN? I never had a PIN … wait, is it … man, my father’s handwriting is atrocious here, I think it’s … 5368?”
“Bingo! Well done! I’m sending the link now! If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to call. Your premium service plan comes with 24/7 tech assistance.”
“Why did I not know this years ago?”
“Well, it was probably just working and you never even noticed you had it.”
“Until I didn’t.”
“Exactly.”
“Well, thank you so much, you have been incredibly helpful. I think I might feel better already.”
“Aw, thanks! Would you be willing to take a little survey to rate my service?”
“Sure, Liz. Sure.”
[I kid, of course, because we have to laugh or go completely nuts. But the truth is, the wonderful neuroplasticity of our incredible brains is ferociously efficient and territorial. Use it or lose it, and no messing about. If you haven’t used a skill in several months, the brain sees that as open territory, and scoops it up to use for something else. After being in isolation, or semi-isolation, for so long, we simply no longer have the skills on standby to recover from being around large groups of people. Extroverts aren’t getting the same recharge as before, either. I think not seeing the bottom half of people’s faces is causing their recharge triggers to fail. I am a train wreck, and I know many of you are, too. Peace, love and recovery.]