I made a house call recently. Don’t get your hopes up, it was for a cat. I mean, there are limits.
The cat had been pretty traumatized; he had been a house cat for seven years and suddenly, he accidentally escaped out into the wide wide world, had a good freakout, and didn’t make it home for nineteen days. He went into survival mode, sympathetic nervous system on overdrive, and once home, has not been able to settle down at all. He’s living under the couch and only coming out late at night when his humans are asleep.
I did what I could do, which was play soothing sounds for his nervous system, and he started purring at one point, really loud, like he remembered, oh yeah, I can do that to soothe myself.
And though I have faith that kitty will recover, it did give me some (ahem) pause (or paws, whichever is funnier).
He had forgotten how to soothe himself. One of the first things a cat learns, one of the things they’re most famous for.
Humans have to learn to soothe themselves, too. We have to figure out what it is that helps us ramp down from fight or flight, and keeps us out of freeze because that’s such a tenuous, helpless place to be. But I fear that too many people are never given an opportunity to learn how to soothe themselves.
One of the recent theories about childrearing that really bugs me is the “let ’em cry it out” theory of “baby training.” Bullllllllllsheeee-it people. Babies learn by observing. If you pick them up and sing to them, or talk to them soothingly or gently, or get them what they need, or help them in some way find a peaceful end to their distress, they can model that. If you leave them in their crib to scream until they pass out, they just keep escalating and never have a chance to learn how to calm themselves down. They never learn what the things are that soothe them so they can’t do them for themselves as they get older.
It can still be learned, even as an adult, but to make it a habit you have to practice like it’s your job every day. You have to search to find healthy things that you know will work to help you calm down, or beat the fear, and then you have to remember to use them, whatever they are.
(SoundWorks has some 5-minute sound therapy recordings that we know make a huge difference for a lot of people, and if you think they might help you, check ’em out here.)
But right now, right now it’s extra essential that you find your toolkit and have it at the ready, because the midden just keeps hitting our collective windmill, and the burnout from being under this much stress and uncertainty all the time is monumental. Stress causes 80-90% of all illness in the US, I may have mentioned this before. And burnout swamps our ability to destress. We have to soothe ourselves daily in order to hold the baseline, never mind thriving or flourishing.
I want us to flourish, fam. I want us to rise and thrive and bloom.
The world needs more us, more smart, creative, kind, loving, generous, feisty, clever, capable, secure, gentle people. We are peace-bringers and laugh-makers and love-spreaders and joy-engines. We don’t just shine our light, we hurl it out into the world on colors, melodies, words, shapes, scents, flavors, textures, fragrances, spices … and we refuse to let people drag us down, or draft us into their pity-productions because we want to keep hurling our light around for all the other people who depend on it and use it to get through their days.
We can’t afford to get mired in somebody else’s denial, or excuses, or fear, or whatever. As much as we sincerely want to love everyone until they are blooming, we can’t – and we know that. We learned, early or eventually, that happiness happens when you make it, not because something external caused a momentary pause in the usual shitstorm. We have learned to be happy in the shitstorm. That is no mean feat – but it is the only way to be happy.
Self-soothing is part of the baseline, and should be in Babby’s First Emotional Toolkit.
It’s how we get through the day without self-destructing. It’s how we decompress before we detonate. Self-soothing is the safety valve. If you don’t know what is soothing to you (that doesn’t involve alcohol, ice cream, or substances of dubious legality), here are a few options to try that won’t cost much, and might save your sanity.
At work:
- Slow down your breathing; breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 2 counts, out for 6 counts, hold for 2; lather, rinse, repeat.
- Step outside and hum to yourself, tunefully or tunelessly doesn’t matter. Humming massages your vagus nerve and signals your nervous system that all is well.
- Close your eyes and listen to the softest or farthest sound you can hear for one minute.
In public -all of the above, plus:
- Step into a bookstore or library, if available, and sniff the books. No, really. For many, many people, book smell is a powerful relaxant.
- Find a tree and stand by it, or better yet sit under it, and visualize the tree breathing in your carbon dioxide while you breathe in the tree’s oxygen. After a few minutes, say thanks.
- Keep a collection of photos that make you smile on your phone, and just scroll through them and remember feeling light and happy.
At home – many of the above, plus:
- Favorite music dance party – or, if you’re like me, favorite music sitting perfectly still with eyes closed so focused that a Messenger From God would not be able to get my attention, losing myself in the sound, the rhythm, the melody, the harmony, the vibe, you name it.
- I have a pair of pajamas that are disgracefully worn, shabby, holey, nearly transparent in places – but they are comfort itself, and I wish somebody could make new pajamas that feel as good as these do because I don’t want to let them go. Put ’em on.
- All the things- bath, lotion, candles, bubbles, whatever. When it’s really bad, submerge into warmth and softness and shut the world completely out a while.
- Read your Soul Book, the book that resonates so deeply in you and makes you feel such a combination of longing, agreement, love, hiraeth (look it up), joy, homecoming, and completeness that you want to curl up and go live in it. And if you don’t have a Soul Book, shoot me a message and I’ll recommend a few, because everybody should have a Soul Book.
Get safely social:
- Masked and distanced Stitch’n’Bitch or Brush’n’Barrel or Book Club (also virtual, but ugh, who wants more Zoom these days); outdoor drum circle or concert; brown bag lunch in the park with friends; hiking or strolling in the woods with a similarly vaxxed friend you can trust. There are so many other ways to be safely social. I encourage you to find at least one.
Massage, float tanks, sound healing, energy healing, reiki, reflexology … all of the body work and energy work modalities are excellent stress busters, and if you possibly can, pick one and treat yourself as regularly as you can. Once a month is great if you can swing it, and honestly, your quality of life can be so enhanced that it will actually save you money by keeping you healthier.
I mentioned to a client today that what most of the women I know really need is to be in a room with about 96 other women and just hug until everybody falls into a pile, and she said, “YES! I need a puppy pile!” We all do. Someday. Until then, take care of you, and I’ll take care of me, so we’ll be ready to take care of each other again.