Hitting the Wall

It didn’t come with a breakdown, no wailing, no thrashing, just a slow, dull thud. 

A culmination of all the things, so many small things and a few big ones, a few old ones, all piling up so I couldn’t see where I was going and splat. I’m not going to enumerate my grievances here, that would serve no purpose and I do not whine. But I have to be honest with you, my friends and readers, and let you know. I have hit the wall.

I’m just writing right now, no thought of where this might be going, whether it’ll be short or long, whether there will be insight or simply quiet. I am always so driven to provide comfort, see the silver linings, offer possibilities, carry the “yes” for you when you can’t . . . and now, my own “yes” is laying over there on the floor and I think it might be a bit chipped. Nothing major, not smashed to smithereens, thank the gods. But definitely chipped. Scuffed up a bit. Can’t pick it up yet to check though. Nope.

So no new blog post from me this week, and possibly not for a couple yet as I drag myself back out of this. I’m working on it. I really thought I had some gumption in there somewhere, but I really don’t, so I can’t do this thing I ordinarily love doing. But I’ll be back.

I don’t have a plan, but here’s what I know I can do about it:

• Read stuff that makes me happy.
• Keep learning, but do it gently. That MasterClass membership is gonna earn it’s keep.
• Make stuff. I ordered a bunch of yarn.
• Stay connected. Do things. Don’t become a total hermit. Human connection is what this whole journey is all about.
• STOP DOOMSCROLLING! I know the worst of this hit when I couldn’t stop checking the news every five minutes to see if we were still a democracy.
• Be gentle and accept that I have to put some stuff on hold  until I can heal my heart a bit. No blame, no shame.
• Gentle movement, stretching, flexing, keeping myself from getting rigor mortis and becoming permanently chair-shaped.

Depression sucks. Mine comes and goes, and usually it’s not too bad, but when it gets bad, I just have to let myself heal. It’s like . . . if you work out and you’re really sore, but in a good way so you keep going, versus when you rip the shit out of your quads doing too many squats and you can’t even walk. I just have to let myself heal.

But probably the most important thing I can do is admit I’m struggling, with no shame. This is where I’m at, it happens, and I’m doing the things that I know help me pull out of it. I’m calling this Wounded Healer Training. Experiencing my depression fully is going to enrich my ability to work with others who have depression. So it’s a good thing, in the long run.

Thanks for understanding, and keep on keepin’ on. There are some days ahead of us, boy are there. So here’s another simile: it’s like a choir; when one of us needs to take a breath we do it, and then somebody else takes a breath, and the audience never hears the individuals drop out and breathe, it just keep sounding whole. I’m dropping out to breathe, but I’ll be singin’ my heart out next to you again soon.

Love and joy and light are on their way.