We area always learning, whether we know it, or want it, or not.
And some lessons are way more important than other. But I think the biggest one is when we understand that we can screw up big and still love ourselves. It’s simple, but it’s so deep, and so true. When we get past the point where our first impulse after making a mistake is not, “Why am I so stupid?” but “Aw, honey,” we know we’re really grown-ups.
It’s hard, oh it’s hard. We are so deeply conditioned to kick ourselves that it’s a completely automatic reflex. Especially women, though a hell of a lot of men do it, too. I have to stop my partner from calling himself “dummy” and speaking harshly to himself when he gets a simple thing wrong. Even trying to put the key in the door upside down makes him scold himself. He would never talk to me the way he talks to himself, and that is sad, because we’re supposed to be in love with ourselves first, and our partners second.
And there it is again – yes, we have to love ourselves before we can possibly, honestly love anybody else. We know that, we all know that, but it has to be internalized. This is not rocket science, not at all, we should all know this by now. But apparently . . . we don’t.
I can’t really love anybody until I am the great love of my own life.
This doesn’t mean smothering oneself in kisses and buying oneself roses and taking oneself out for romantic dinners – though you can totally do that if it works for you. It means valuing your own well-being above all others. Prioritizing your mental health over obligations placed upon you by others. Setting clear, manageable boundaries in your personal, romantic and work life – and as a parent. Being present for others without trying to fix their lives all the damn time. Figuring out what’s truly important to you, and letting the small stuff go.
I know, I hear you. How the hell do you do that and keep your friends and family from coming completely unhinged to the point of dumping, divorcing or disowning you?
You can’t. But you aren’t responsible for their reactions. You are responsible to you. Period. Most people are terrified of change. When you change, they often take it very personally. They don’t want you to change and so they do everything they can to sabotage you, and it’s like swimming upstream through Dippity-Do (who here remembers that toxic shit?) to stick to your truth and be true to yourself.
Every life is different. Some people start with one little thing that’s making their life difficult, testing the waters, taking it slow and easy, and then once one thing is settled go on to another, and another, until they have the momentum, the courage, the track-record and the gumption to tackle the really big stuff.
Others rip off the band-aid in one big pull, let the chips fall where they may, and go from there. Is it harder to do it all at once and be done, or is it harder to have to get into battle mode over and over and over and over? That’s for each person to decide.
Pick. Your. Battles.
You can’t expect to have every single thing that you want every time. Other people have needs, rights, free will, goals, commitments, so on. Compromise is golden. Knowing when to dig in and when to let go is a priceless thing. Like the old song says, “You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run.”*
And now I’m going to contradict myself, a little. Your problems are not more important than anybody else’s. The only difference is, your problems are fixable by you, and somebody else’s problems probably are not. As a healer, I can help to open the door to healing, and I can even hold it open for a while, but the client is the one who has to get off their ass and walk through it. If they aren’t willing to do the work, there’s nothing I can do to help. You are responsible for cleaning up your own shit, and nobody else’s — and nobody but you is responsible for cleaning up yours.
You belong to you. Period. Your life belongs to you. When you truly come to love yourself, you can embrace that sovereignty and start owning your stuff and doing the work to fix your stuff, so your quality of life can get up where you want it.
*Song written by Don Schlitz